I Feel Guilty Receiving Help Because Others Have It Worse
- Jamie Doherty
- Aug 1
- 2 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
Whenever your unmet needs arise, suddenly a giant cosmic league table crashes from the heavens. The names of all that dwell upon the earth are listed and ranked by their suffering.
Those who are suffering the most are at the top of the list and each descending name suffers less and less. The rate of suffering is measured by an objective metric called the ‘Hurt Most Index’ (HMI).
Help, understanding and curiosity are in limited supply and are first come, first served. Those who are ranked the highest due to their HMI score are the most deserving of assistance and have priority of attention.
You are down near the bottom and therefore don’t deserve any help, love, understanding or interest from anybody.
If you were to receive attention before those above you, why! That would be stealing!
It would be profane—indefensible of you to jump the queue! Others do cut in line, of course, but that's different!
The economics of love are a zero-sum game and, as it turns out, you would be taking a bigger slice from someone somewhere who hungers more! You shouldn’t ask for help because others have it worse. You don’t want to burden people anyway; it’s best just to suffer in silence and get on with things.
This may feel true, but is it?
Perhaps the economics of love, compassion, curiosity and sympathy are far more dynamic? On some level you know this; even so it doesn’t feel like it. There’s a voice whispering in your ear convincing you not to have needs and you feel bad for having them.
Deep down you long for care; yet there is a powerful deception.
We deceive ourselves through a false sense of guilt.
We reason our needs away with false understanding.
We unconsciously stash our unmet needs into another and help them, labouring in vain to heal ourselves indirectly.
Our sense of self is divided and at war; the more you want, the more self-punishment. For the chance of freedom we must battle on two fronts: the battle of fully knowing and providing for your needs, as well as intercepting any attacks.
The tyranny of the leader board must be overthrown but not alone. Finding a psychodynamic counsellor to help understand and work through the guilt of wanting care is a wise choice. The question isn’t about deserving help, but accepting that you have just as much right to be helped as everyone else.
Jamie Doherty is a psychodynamic counsellor based in Leicester, working with people both in person and online. His clinical work has given him experience helping people understand difficulties involving guilt, harsh self-criticism, overthinking and people-pleasing. Unlike typical counselling models or most services provided by the NHS, he looks beyond surface symptoms to uproot the deep causes that show up in thoughts, feelings and relationship. Learn more Jamie, his services or more of his insights inspired from his working experience:
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