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Whenever your unmet needs arise, suddenly a giant cosmic league table crashes from the heavens. The names of all that dwell upon the earth are listed and ranked by their suffering. Those who are suffering the most are at the top of the list and each descending name suffers less and less. The rate of suffering is measured by an objective metric called the ‘Hurt Most Index’ (HMI). Help, understanding and curiosity are in limited supply and are first come, first served. Those wh

People pleasers or those who struggle with guilt blur the line between feeling angry and acting angrily. They mix up feeling angry (what psychotherapists call affect) with the outcomes of expressing it—action. There is a fear of letting out impulsive rage through shouting, retaliating or aggressive confrontation. But feeling angry toward someone that hurt you does not automatically mean expression. Affect is not action. As a counsellor, I have noticed that when inviting clien

In Part 1, I explained the difference between True Guilt and Moral Defence. Now, we’ll explore where this painful, false guilt comes from and why it persists. The Moral Defence isn’t a new concept. Psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn coined this term, but the idea itself predates him. Freud referred to it as punitive guilt, while Melanie Klein discussed persecutory guilt. I prefer Fairbairn's term because, as explained in Part 1, it’s not real guilt. Regardless of the name, it’s a