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There is one classic psychodynamic reason why you would feel guilty, ashamed or criticise yourself when you are angry or feel hurt by someone else: a part of you turns anger against yourself. But this isn’t the full story. Why turn anger onto yourself? In fact, why do we attack ourselves at all? If you pay attention to the messages you attack yourself with, you might notice that they are clues to how you actually feel about the person who hurt you. Messages such as “Did I do

Whenever your unmet needs arise, suddenly a giant cosmic league table crashes from the heavens. The names of all that dwell upon the earth are listed and ranked by their suffering. Those who are suffering the most are at the top of the list and each descending name suffers less and less. The rate of suffering is measured by an objective metric called the ‘Hurt Most Index’ (HMI). Help, understanding and curiosity are in limited supply and are first come, first served. Those wh

People pleasers or those who struggle with guilt blur the line between feeling angry and acting angrily. They mix up feeling angry (what psychotherapists call affect) with the outcomes of expressing it—action. There is a fear of letting out impulsive rage through shouting, retaliating or aggressive confrontation. But feeling angry toward someone that hurt you does not automatically mean expression. Affect is not action. As a counsellor, I have noticed that when inviting clien