Why Do I Feel Bad for Being Mad at Someone?
- Jamie Doherty
- 7 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
There is one classic psychodynamic reason why you would feel guilty, ashamed or criticise yourself when you are angry or feel hurt by someone else: a part of you turns anger against yourself.
But this isn’t the full story. Why turn anger onto yourself?
In fact, why do we attack ourselves at all?
If you pay attention to the messages you attack yourself with, you might notice that they are clues to how you actually feel about the person who hurt you.
Messages such as “Did I do something wrong?”, “Maybe I shouldn’t have said _____”, “Nobody likes me” may feel true but perhaps this was a modified reversal of your initial reaction; “They did something wrong!”, “They shouldn’t have said _____”, “I don’t like them.”
Why do I turn anger onto myself?
We all have split-off parts of ourselves underneath our conscious awareness: one part attacks another part. The self-attacking part is vigilantly repressing a hidden yearning part that longs for connection, love and understanding: a fundamental human need.
The self-attacking part is activated whenever this yearning part expresses desire.
Desire and longing for connection are seen by the self-attacking part as “needy”, “weak”, “greedy” or “selfish”, and it uses various techniques to prevent and punish this other part from being brought into conscious awareness.
This may be why many struggle to enjoy pleasure: a desire is being destroyed.
If, by reading this, you experienced embarrassment at the idea of having a needy part of yourself, you could be experiencing an example of the self-attacking part pushing away the other yearning part. Embarrassment is one of the many techniques the attacking part uses to stop the underlying desire to connect with others.
Regardless of the reason, being angry with someone risks loss of connection and the potential for your needs to be satisfied. On an unconscious level, the yearning part is brought out, triggering the self-attacking part, which uses your anger as a way to punish that need. This leads to guilt and shame.
It also stifles processing your anger because it gets used against yourself.
The inability to process your reactions can create a general fear of anger itself; any frustration, aggression or disagreements are experienced as a threat of hatred, punishment or intense conflict, despite logically knowing that it isn’t the case.
There's a rapid chain of emotional reactions:
Someone hurts you.
You become angry in response.
The anger towards them quickly threatens a deeper chance for connection.
The yearning desire for connection is aroused all the more.
The self-attacking part attacks that need, turning the original anger and frustrations back around onto the yearning part.
This ricocheted aggression is experienced as guilt and shame.
Anger itself, then, comes to be seen as a threat and is feared.
The original angry reaction cannot be addressed properly.
This leads to hidden resentment, which arouses more need from the yearning part.
This triggers further self-attack, creating a downward spiral.
Feeling bad for being mad at someone may be a sign that some of this anger, frustration or aggression you have towards another is being siphoned off and used by split-off parts of yourself to beat down the natural desire for connection. Working with a counsellor or psychotherapist can help you uncover and process your conflicting emotions in a safe, gradual way. They can help you process any initial unpleasant feeling without you becoming overwhelmed, interrogated or pressured.
Jamie Doherty is a psychodynamic counsellor based in Leicester, working with people both in person and online. His clinical work has given him experience helping people understand difficulties involving guilt, harsh self-criticism, overthinking and people-pleasing. Unlike typical counselling models or most services provided by the NHS, he looks beyond surface symptoms to uproot the deep causes that show up in thoughts, feelings and relationship. Learn more Jamie, his services or more of his insights inspired from his working experience:
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