When Anger Feels Frightening
- Jamie Doherty
- Jul 13
- 2 min read
People pleasers or those who struggle with guilt blur the line between feeling angry and acting angrily. They mix up feeling angry (what psychotherapists call affect) with the outcomes of expressing it—action. There is a fear of letting out impulsive rage through shouting, retaliating or aggressive confrontation.
But feeling angry toward someone that hurt you does not automatically mean expression.
Affect is not action.
As a psychotherapist, I have noticed that when inviting clients to connect with the affect of anger some start thinking about potential actions they might lose control over. As a result, they become afraid of their own anger, rage and frustrations and push it away because of that risk. Here is an example exchange during a counselling session:
Therapist: "I wonder if you feel angry that your boss said that to you."
Client: "Yeah but, I can't shout at him, I'll get the sack."
Here the therapist is inviting the client to connect and reflect on the feeling of anger.
Instead of sitting with the affect of anger the client jumps to thinking of actions leading to negative outcomes. The client’s concern could be true; shouting at your boss could make things worse. But notice how the therapist is helping the client to just feel and understand the anger, not suggest what to do.
Immediately thinking about the consequences of expressing anger prevents you from processing the raw feeling and stifles you from being truly understood.
Privately processing a feeling within yourself doesn't translate to changes in reality.
The experience of anger is not, in itself, harmful. Rather, the various defences or ways of coping we use to avoid feelings cause and prolong anxiety and depressive symptoms.
Psychotherapy offers a private space to experience and explore emotions without needing to act on them or fear the consequences. Working through these feelings puts you in a better headspace to make wise decisions if you did have to address the person who hurt you.
There could be many reasons why you might mix affect with actions and a psychotherapist can help you work through this confusion. They can help you think about your history of feeling, expressing or being on the receiving end of anger.
If you would like help processing anger, frustration or aggression without fear of guilt or unwanted consequences, you can learn more about counselling or arrange an initial consultation using the links below.
